Happy Birthday Alayah Ni'Emah

3 years ago today my world changed for the better. Oh, how I wish I would have savored her baby days. Instead I was living as if I was watching from above. Not really in the moment. I regret that a lot. I was under so much stress that I couldn't enjoy my new blessing. Instead I was hoping to make it through the day without fighting or crying over something her father did. *sigh*

Luckily, I have learned now to cherish every moment as it all goes by so fast. I want every day to be special. I want to make some time of memory that I can keep with me forever as much as possible.

21 days old

My little girl came into this world right on time. She was due 1/3/08 and she was born at 10:44pm. She was 6lbs 15.9oz and was wide awake for quite awhile. I loved her instantly. I remember taking a shower right after and as I stood there with the warm water running down my back I looked down and realized I had a baby....a baby...a real live person that just came out of me waiting just on the other side of the wall. I remember taking my time and processing the fact that when I walked out of the bathroom I was walking into my new life. My new life as a mommy a mommy of a little girl.

6 months old

Alayah is my world. Everything I do is for her and to make sure she has the best life possible. She didn't ask to be brought into this world. She didn't ask for a single mom or for her dad to be absent. I feel awful that we couldn't make it work and that he isn't here for her, but I will do my best to make sure she always feels loved, appreciated, and wanted.

1 year old

Alayah's first year of life was filled with lots of changes for me and I feel like I wasn't the best mom I could have been back then. Instead of stepping back and realizing I was a mom and I needed to soak in everything that was our world....I kept busy. Too busy. I was always busy helping my friends out babysitting their kids or giving them rides or worrying too much about the fact that Alayah's dad was gone. I feel like I didn't take enough pictures...I can't remember most things about her first year and I can't get those memories back.

18 months

Alayah's second was when I accepted the fact that her dad wasn't going to be around and that we were not going to be able to work things out. Instead of focusing on Alayah and myself, I became depressed. I hardly took any pictures of her at all for the first 3 months of 2009. Again months of memories gone that I can't get back. I don't remember what she was like because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. Too busy trying to find things to be mad at her dad for. By summer time I had a friend move in with me who had two kids because her boyfriend was abusive. I spent 3 months helping her and sharing my apartment and babysitting every day to help her out. Then all of a sudden we got into an argument and she was gone and I was left with regrets of focusing on others instead of Alayah and myself.

2 years old

In November of 2009 we had to move out of our apartment because it flooded. This brought about many sad feelings for me because I lived there for 5 years. All the memories I had of Alayah were in that apartment. She came home to that apartment. It was very hard on me to leave. We moved in with my grandmother to help her out and to have a roof over our head. Once we were there for a couple of months I started to focus everything I had on Alayah. She became the center of my world and everything seemed to be falling into place. It was the first time I didn't worry about my friends or her father....just us.

2.5 years old

Alayah thrived in 2010. She started talking towards summer which was big because she was over two and still didn't say hardly anything. I was focusing on how to get us where we needed to be and then I found out I was being laid off. Then it seemed like everything I was working for was falling apart. My parents offered to let us live with them, but that meant a major move. I decided that the best thing for us would be for me to go back to school so I can get a good paying job. It is hard living with my parents after being on my own for so long. I am still adjusting as is Alayah. We are trying to find a routine and trying to figure out how to be a family of two sometimes and not always a family of 5 with my parents and grandma.

As we enter our fourth year together I am hoping that I can find focus. I have to rely on myself alone to get the things done I need to and to look out for the best interests for Alayah. Sometimes it is hard to be the only one making major decisions regarding her. Some days I would just like a little feed back or to discuss different options with the one other person I feel should be there, but its not an option.

I want 2011 to be our best year yet. I don't want to miss anything...I don't want to get caught up in the day to day I want to remember all that is Alayah when she was 3.  Happy Birthday baby girl....I love you so much.