Someone got into the foam soap and she was upset cuz it was in her nose
I have been feeling really frustrated lately. I am becoming very discouraged and defeated and frustrated over Alayah's father. We were engaged throughout my pregnancy and despite major daily issues between us I toughed it out until Alayah was born. Once she was born she became my world and the things that he was doing were no longer acceptable. I couldn't have him around her acting the way he was. I was finally able to have him leave my apartment a week before she turned 5 months old. I told him that all I wanted was for him to be involved in her life. He moved in with someone else a few blocks away and since then has seen Alayah a handful of times. It frustrates me. How can you be the parent of someone so precious and only want to be with them once a month. He lives down the street and never makes time for her. He doesn't pay child support. He doesn't call to ask how she is doing. He doesn't do anything for her at all. He comes around once a month and sometimes just drops by and says hi and other times he will take her for 1-3 hours. If I counted all the hours he has had her since she was five months old it would probably only equal 24 hours. I just don't get it. I've tried encouraging him to spend time with her. Offering to drop her off, offering to give him money to take her to do something, and offering for him to come over to see her. If it's not his idea on his time he declines.
He only takes her when he has money and can take her out to eat with his various girlfriends, so that he can show her off and boost his ego. Alayah thinks that any black man is "daddy." He is mad at me that she doesn't know that he is her only daddy. I don't think it is my job to inform her of the difference. I am already Mom and Dad so why should I do that for him. I do everything for her and I always have. We are moving to a different state next month and he has known this for a long time and yet he has not made any attempts to spend extra time with her.
I call he won't answer. I text he won't answer. I don't understand. The one person in the world who should care about her as equally as me doesn't. That hurts. It hurts me for her. How do you explain that to a child. How do explain that she wasn't important enough for her daddy. I am not going to make excuses for her father. I know it will hurt, but I am not going to say oh he loves you but he wasn't ready to be a dad or he loves you he just doesn't know how to show it. I will not do that because that is giving an excuse for him to treat her this way. It is not fair to her to lie. I wish I felt more comfortable lying because it would save her heart from being hurt for awhile.
I cry sometimes thinking about the pain that he is causing her that she isn't even aware of yet. I think ahead of how I am supposed to explain this to her. I hate that he does this. I have been struggling with a hard decision. Do I cut him off completely? I don't want him popping in once a year or randomly to confuse her. I feel he should be regular with his relationship with her. I don't want him making empty promises to her. Do I let things continue as they are? Let him show up whenever...let her deal with him not being there when she needs him? I just don't know.
6 comments:
I say move to Texas (smile) or wherever
and move on with your life. He's obviously not ready or interested in being this precious child's father so stop running after him to give him the privilege. Start your new life and never look back. Hopefully you will find a new love, one that will love you and your sweet girl and then she know what a REAL father is.
alright.. well, i typically never leave comments on any blogs i follow, but i felt like i should this time. the truth is, the situation sucks. but it is what it is. don't feel bad for any injustice he may be doing for her because in the end, she will be okay without him. i'm speaking from experience. my mom is white and my dad is black, same situation as with you, but my "sperm donor" was really addicted to drugs and he choose that life style over me. i'm now 22, sometimes i think it's sad that i don't really know him, but i'm okay because i know i had a mom that tried everything that she could. if it were me, i wouldn't even hound him for child support or anything, if he asks to see her, i'd let him, but i never would go out of my way to make it easier for him. when my daughter was a little younger she called every black man daddy too... and i was married to her daddy! i'm sorry you got mixed up with someone who wasn't really ready to handle the responsibilities of a precious life. your little girl is a doll baby, just love the mess out of her daily and don't even worry about his ignorance. when the time comes and she asks, be truthful with her and all will end well!
Thank you Shay for commenting. Another thing I struggle with is the fact that she is bi-racial and the only one on my side of the family. The city we are moving to although not ideal in my eyes will definitely be more diverse compared to where we are now. I'm hoping through church and friends she will have black male and female role models in her life. Her father has two other kids with two different black women and we get the kids together once a year and keep in touch monthly. I am making it my goal to have them in her life even if her father isn't. I am in touch with other family members trying to piece together information and pictures so that I can give her as much information as I can about that side of her family. I don't want Alayah to feel different because of her skin color or because of her fathers lack of caring. I want her to know that there are still people in his family who do care.
That's pretty awesome of you to do that for her! I only wish other parents in similar situations could see it as clearly as we do. It was the same for me growing up, i was the only biracial kid and the majority of my moms family were either open racists or closest racists. (i'm from south carolina) no matter if her daddy is in her life or not, one day she will feel different because of her skin color. I can only hope and pray by the time she is at that age that the world can be a much more understanding place. One thing I've learned from being married to a black man and not knowing much about my black side, is it's very important to know your history... both sides, so the fact that you are already making that step is so great. If ever you are having a hard day, feel free to email me at any time!
Hey,
Oh my goodness. You have a lot going on. However, you may have to just move on and do the best for your daughter. You can't change him and he is going to have to want to change. Continue being there for your daughter and that is what counts. Maybe one day, he will realize that he needs to be there for her in a way more than what he is doing now. Until then, do what you have to do as a mother and her provider. I agree that if you get in another relationship that maybe she can see what a strong father/provider is supposed to be and it doesn't have to necessarily be a biological father to support her.
Definitely continue to expose her to both sides of her ethnicity. It makes a big difference. I have younger cousins who are biracial and their parents are separated, however they see their father. However, he has no desire to be married again and is content being single. We can't change that and we cant make him want to be with his wife for the sake of his daughters. However, he is in their life. Each situation is different. Don't stop living!
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